My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
