I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
