R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
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It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
how do you play pong handcuffed?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize