Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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