hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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