if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There's even glitter on my cock...
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