I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
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Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
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You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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