Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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