At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
