I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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