Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize