Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
