life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
