I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
