Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
