Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
