I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
