Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
