If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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