but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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