sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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