How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
