I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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