you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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