I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle