the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
