Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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