someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
