remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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