Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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