I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize