Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
