I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Houston, we have a squirter
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
