Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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