I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
