Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
