Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
