I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
