Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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