I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
