I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
