I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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