i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
