I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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