these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
