I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
