He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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