If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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