Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
then he tried to convert me to islam
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
