I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
