a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
