did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
