Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
