I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
