I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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