Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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