i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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