Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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